Customer Support Part 1

4 05 2008

Found these customer support experience while browsing..

Well Played, Indeed

(This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*


Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

Call Center | Tampa, FL, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank name], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to
be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number
or your social security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ’secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my D*MN BALANCE!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

Shoulda Filled It With Apples

Computer Store | Tampa, FL, USA

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Ok, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it
here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I
want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your
money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt.
I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges
around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually
arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for
the guy.)

If The Shoe Fits…

Orthopedic Office | Santa Rosa, CA, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedic office. How can I help you?”

Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

Me: “I’m sorry? This is **** Ortho–”

Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

(By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My
supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to
my job.)

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedics, how can I help you?”

Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

(It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

Conscience: We Loves It

Retail | Madison, WI, USA

(Background
story: This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is
THE biggest event of the year. My store had many Halloween costumes and
other Halloween-related products during that time. I was at my cash
register for check-out when a customer came to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

Me: “Ok.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!” *runs out*

Me: “!?!”

A Case Of The Computer Cooties

Software Company | Dublin, Ireland

(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)

Guy from downstairs: “I think one of the computers has a virus.”

Me: “Ok, which one?”

Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”

(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)

Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”

Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”

(I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)

Big Yellow Warning Bags Are Your Friend

Gas Station | Ames, IA, USA

(A
girl pulls up to a gas pump. I’m watching her through the window from
behind the cash register as she removes the OUT OF ORDER BAG placed
over the pump (clearly marked, bright yellow bag) and throws it in the
trash next to her. She plays around with it for a while and then walks
toward the door.)

Girl: “Your pumps aren’t working.”

Me: “Go back outside, pull the bag that you just threw away out of the trash and read it. That should solve the problem.”

Virgin Galactic, Eat Your Heart Out

Airline | Orlando, FL, USA

(I’m
a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A
man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the
seat next to him.)

Passenger: “Is it ok if my camera is here for the flight?”

Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried
about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the
overhead bin.”

Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

We Love You Too

Florida, USA | Pizzeria

(It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

Me: “Good night, sir.”

Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

(Quite frankly, it made my day.)

Must Be From Orange County

Tourist Information | Catalina Island, CA

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “What time does the island close?”

Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

Tech Support | Ottawa, ON, Canada

(I was walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)

Customer: “Next or back?”

Me: “Next.”

Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

Me: “We do not need to change any of the default
settings, so we will be hitting next on the next 7 or 8 screens in a
row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”

Customer: *obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”

Me: “Hit next, and also hit next on the following 5 or 6 pages until there is no more next button.”

Customer: “Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”

(At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)

Me: “Click back.”

Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

Me: “Click next.”

Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

Me: “Click back.”

Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

Me: “Click next.”

Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

Me: “Click back.”

(This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realises what’s going on. Or so I thought…)

Customer: “I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”

A Whale Of A Story

Restaurant | Alaska, USA

Tourist: “Are you from here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around
2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will
make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the
sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

(I always wondered if she went.)

Playing Along, Part 2

Tech Support | Idaho, USA

(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

Lady: “Ok.”

(There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

Me: “…”

(I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

Lady: “Yes!”

Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone.
What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five
seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

Lady: “Ok—” *click*

(I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

Related:

Playing Along

All Are Retail Slaves

Retail | North Bay, ON, Canada

(Note:
I wasn’t actually an employee, I was just a regular customer walking
around this store. A middle aged woman walks up to me.)

Lady: “Excuse me, do you have any golf clubs?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

Lady: “But you look like you do…”

Me: “Sorry, no…all the employees here have red vests and tags that say ***** ******* on them.”

Lady: “But can you tell me where the golf clubs are?”

Me: “No, I don’t even live in this town [which was true]. I am just looking around.”

Lady: “Well, you’re no help. I might as well look in the other store.” *walks away in a huffy mood*

Me, loudly: “MAYBE IF YOU PAID ME, I’D HELP!”

Yes, They Really Are That Dumb

Hotel | Valencia, CA, USA

(I
have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check in, but I
can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a
room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid
questions but this was the best.)

Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

Me, without missing a beat: “There should be a
remote control on the nighttable in between the two beds in your room.
On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push
it and the TV should turn on.”

(At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the
yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like
to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your
room?”

Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

Young couple, still laughing: “Are you serious?”

Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

Record Store | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA

(A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

Woman: “I need some tickets!”

Me: “What show?”

Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

Me: “Which one?”

Woman: “The concert.”

Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

Me: “Who’s playing?”

Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “When?”

Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

Me: “I need something to go on.”

Woman: “It’s a concert!”

Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

(She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

(The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

Me: “…”

Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

(He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)

Urine Way Over Your Head

Bookstore | Durham, NC, USA

(I was in the ladies room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

Woman, in stall next to mine: “You’re not wearing any pants!”

(I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

Me: “And you know this how?”

Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a *skirt*.”

(The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent.
I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

Thank You, Dr. Frankenstein

Drug Store | Orlando, FL, USA

(I was helping a regular customer who had wandered in–as he did daily–from the nursing home across the street.)

Old Man: “You’re working again?”

Me: “Yes, every day.”

Old Man: “You know what? Every time I see you, there’s a big smile on your face.”

Me: “What can I say, I love my job.”

Old Man: “Yes, you have a wonderful smile. You’ll make a good looking corpse.”

Me: “…”

(He got a wide berth after that.)

Time To Moooove To Another Cowllege

College Campus Administration | Missouri

(For three years, my job was to deal with angry parents. I was very good at it. Most of the time.)

Parent: *angrily* “I need to speak to someone about my daughter’s roommates!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Parent: “Her roommates are awful to her! ”

Me: “Okay. Can you detail the problems for me? The
more specific you can be, the better we can help your daughter and her
roommates settle their problems.”

Parent: “They curse, and they play loud music, and they’re, well, they’re just not *like* us.”

Me: “In what way are they not *like* you, ma’am?”

Parent: “Well, they’re…farm people.”

(Twenty seconds of absolute silence as I am, for once, thrown
off my game. I’ve heard racial B.S. and religious B.S., but never
*farm* B.S.)

Parent: “Not that there’s anything wrong with farm people. It’s just that we’re not farm people.”

(I’m still in shock. She keeps going.)

Parent: I mean, farms are useful, but we’re from the city. My daughter grew up going to the theater and to museums.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you, as a kid from a farm
myself, I’ve been to the theater and to museums. What we probably have
here is a personality clash.”

(There’s about a 10 second pause that just drips with uncomfortable.)

Parent: “Perhaps I should speak to someone else.”

Kids Say The Truthiest Things

Toy Store | Belgium

(Santa was visiting our store, and every kid got a small bag of candy. Then this happened…)

Santa: “Here you go, little boy!”

Kid: “Thank you, Santa!”

Mom: “Aren’t you forgetting anything?”

Kid: “What, mommy?”

Mom: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.” *looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”

Santa: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*

Kid: “But mommy, I don’t have a brother!”

Mom: “…”

Santa: *puts bag back*

(Everyone in line bursts out laughing.)

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