Customer Support Part 2

4 05 2008

The Land Of Maple Leafed Savages

Tech Support | Ontario, Canada

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. My name is ***, how can I help you?

Customer: *distinct southern accent* “Where am I calling?”

Me: “*** technical support. Are you having trouble with your internet, sir?”

Customer: “I know that. I mean, what part of the world?”

Me: “I’m in Canada, sir. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Canada?! You have internet up in Canada?”

Me, sarcastically: “Nope…just got radio, in fact I had to drive my dog sled into work. There was a horrible accident and I lost two dogs. It’s been a rough day.”

Customer: “Oh…well, I want technical support from a country who actually has it.” *click*

Supervisor monitoring calls: “You can’t be serious.”

Montgomery Scott’s Early Days At The Copy Shop

Copy Shop | Kalamazoo, MI, USA

Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”

Me: “We can overnight the key and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbor’s house?”

Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”

Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”

Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”

Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”

(Customer stares at me.)

Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”

Customer: “D*mn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”

Me: “I do what I can.”

That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

Call Center | Louisiana, USA

(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

Gotta Love Them DIY ‘Puters

Tech Support | London, ON, Canada

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

Like Comic Book Guy, Except Much Prettier

Comic/Card Shop | Missouri, USA

(Background: I’m the only female employee at the comic/card shop, and I was hired for my comic knowledge.)

Customer, to my male co-worker: “Did Booster Gold have a series before the new series?”

(Male coworker looks to me because he’s the card guy.)

Me: “Yeah. Early nineties. We’ve got a couple of back issues in the dollar box.”

Customer, to my male coworker: “So you guys have it?”

Coworker: “If she says we have it, we have it.”

Customer, finally looking at me: “Oh, you know about comics?”

Me: “That’s why they hired me.”

Customer: “But you’re a girl!”

Denial By Way Of Refund

Grocery Store | West Palm Beach, FL, USA

Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

Lady: “It came out positive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

(For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

Lady: What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

(So I go to the back to see my manager who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

Scamming In Plain Sight

Brick Yard | Edmonton, AB, Canada

(A customer ‘drops’ a brick, giving it a little chip. He then proceeds to join the line.)

Cashier: “Hello, sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “There’s a chip in this brick. I’d like to get a discount please.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, only cracks or serious fractures would warrant a discount on bricks. A chip won’t damage the function or stability of the brick.”

(The customer proceeds to lift up the brick and forcefully drops it on the ground.)

Customer: “Now it’s broken! Can I get a discount now?”

Cashier: “No, but you can sure as hell pay for that.”

Just Another Day In Stonerville

Sandwich Delivery | Chicago, IL, USA

I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4pm on Saturday when I get this call.

Me: “Welcome to Jimmy John’s, this is Molly. How can I help you?”

Stoner 1: “Hey…yeah…”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Stoner 1: “What?”

Me: “Would you like to order something?”

Stoner 1: “Yes…”

(After about two minutes of silence…)

Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”

Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”

Stoner 1: *tells me his order*

Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”

(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)

Stoner 2: “Cookies!? Where?”

Stoner 1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”

(Now I can hear Stoner 2 grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)

Stoner 2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”

Stoner 3: “Four cookies! I want two!”

Stoner 2: “SIX COOKIES!”

Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”

Stoner 2: “Yeahhhhhh.”

Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”

Stoner 2: “Delivery…” *gives address*

Stoner 1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”

Stoner 2: “Sh*t! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”

(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)

Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”

Stoner 2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”

Stoner 1: “Dude, she means the police!”

Stoner 2: “SH*T!” *click*

(We ended up delivering to them anyway, because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)

The Estrogen Empire Strikes Back

Fast Food | Calgary, Alberta, Canada

(A customer had a complaint about his food. He refused to let the girl working the register help him.)

Man: “I want to talk to a manager.”

Female employee: “Yes, sir.”

(The employee gets a Shift Manager to help her.)

Shift Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “No, I want a manager!”

Shift Manager: “I am a Shift Manager, sir.”

Man: “I want to see the Store Manager!”

Shift Manager: “Uhm, okay sir, I’ll be right back.”

(I was in the office working on the crew schedules for the next week. Sara comes in and asks me to deal with the customer. She didn’t need to explain. I’d heard it all… he was very loud. I went to help deal with the situation.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “I want to see a f**king God-da** Manager! Where’s the @#$%ing Store Manager?”

Me: “I am the store Manager, Sir.”

Man: “I want to speak to a male manager!”

Me: “Sir, all of my Shift Managers are female. As, clearly, am I.”

(Actually, every person working that day was female.)

Man: “I demand to speak to your @#%^ @#$%$ #@$% boss!”

Me: “I can get you a number so you can call my District Manager, sir. Will that be okay?”

Man: “Finally! DO IT NOW!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Just a second”

(I go into my office and grab one of the District Manager’s cards.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. If you give HER a call, I’m sure SHE will be happy to help you.”

(I thought he was going to have a heart attack after that. Purple was definitely not his color.)

Illogical Conclusions

Retail | United Kingdom

(One day a man broke into our staff-only area and stole mine and my colleague’s purses and phones. This exchange took place about two minutes after I disturbed the burglar and he ran past me. I was in a bad state of shock.)

Customer: “What’s happened?”

Me: “Someone has just broken into upstairs and stolen our purses and mobiles.”

Customer: “Well, you know why that is don’t you? It’s because your prices are so high!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well if your prices weren’t so high then people wouldn’t need to do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry…you believe that because you think our stock is expensive that it gave someone the right to steal my personal possessions?”

(The customer then looked around her and noticed the rest of the queue staring at her in disbelief.)

Customer: “Well it’s not that I think…I mean…some might say…I…”

(She stuttered incoherently for a while and then paid for her items in silence.)

Next Customer: “What a complete fool! Are you alright, dear?”

More of these at notalwaysright.com

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